Not I
by WritersCoven
Summary: SSHG - AU - PostWar: Snape and Granger meet again following an unfortunate incident, perhaps best forgotten. A collaborative story among several current fanfic authors, each author will have their own chapter! Angst/Horror/Romance/Comedy are all likely. HerRoyalGoddess, Mikenia, SweetTale4u, GeminiSister, Tonks-666, llorolalluvia, BariSaxPlayer, Aubrey'Snape, and PhantomSpannah
1. Chapter 1

"Come now, Lucius. Don't toy with me, I beg you. There must be something more that you can do."

"Believe me, Severus. I've done everything in my power." Lucius Malfoy hunched in his seat by the fire, swirling the contents of his glass with a smirk, "Any further pressure and you may well lose your precious position. And I can't have that. Not with my grandson in attendance. Those imbeciles at the Ministry would jump at the opportunity to replace you with another Dumbledore or some equally useless Headmaster."

The two old friends had been enjoying the peaceful solitude of Lucius's study since before the sun set behind his floor-length paned-glass windows. The dim light of the fire before them, as well as that of a dozen candles strategically placed around the room, sparkled in the crystal tumblers elegantly cradling their vintage Fire Whiskey. The remains of a pair of Muggle Cuban cigars rested on a silver tray on the table between them, and the soft hum of fiery intoxication smoothly rippled through their veins. It had taken this long for Lucius to broach the subject now at hand.

Severus sighed, "But surely it doesn't have to be _her._"

Lucius clucked with feigned resignation. "I am afraid it cannot be changed. Short of having her sacked. If that is your wish, I could of course…"

"No, don't be ridiculous. Of course I don't want her sacked. Meddling, aggravating Know-It-All that she is…"

Lucius chuckled. "My dear old friend, you are too dramatic. One might think she had been assigned to take your head back with her when she leaves. It is a simple matter of procedure. She will ask a few questions, sit in on a few classes… the Board requires such evaluations for _every_ Headmaster."

Groaning, Severus pulled a hand down his face. "_Nothing_ is ever a 'simple matter of procedure' for Hermione Granger. It matters little how worthless the bloody Board of Governors is. She takes it upon herself to be… _useful._"

Lucius snorted. "A wonder that she works for them then, isn't it?"

"Indeed," Severus groaned. "A bloody nuisance."

"Of course," the blond wizard sent his comrade a sneaky sideways glance, "I did hear a rumor."

"What sort of rumor?" Severus spat. He was in a foul mood and he didn't have the patience for Lucius's games.

"Utter nonsense, I'm sure. Something that happened years ago." The blond wizard waved his friend off with a devious smile.

Severus's response was growled through gritted teeth. "And what, pray tell, is that?"

"Something to do with the Granger girl and yourself. Something that happened at one of Potter's insipid soirees."

For a moment, Severus couldn't breathe. He froze in his chair, staring into the fire as his heart began to hammer in distress. Surely no one had seen that disaster unfold. _No one_ could have known what happened then. "As glad as I am that you are enjoying yourself, Lucius, I would be much obliged if you could _spit it out."_

Lucius shrugged. "There's not much more to it than that. Apparently you were seen in conversation with the girl shortly before you both disappeared. Tell me, Severus. That couldn't have anything to do with your unusually fierce opposition to her visit, could it?" Lucius gave him a wry, twisted smile, slanting his eyes in a way that told his dark friend that he could not lie.

After a long moment of wrestling with himself, Severus finally sighed. "Lucius, you have seen me shamed before the Dark Lord, himself," he hesitated, unsure what he ought to reveal, "but no memory of mine brings with it the same sense of humiliation that does the thought of what transpired that night."

Henry Centers was staring at her again. She caught his eye and he smiled sheepishly. _Oh Merlin. _What they had done at the Christmas party last year had been a one time thing; a mistake. She had thought that he knew that. Hadn't she been pretty clear on that score? _Gods._ He may have had a fantastic time ('_Really, Hermione, a super super fantastic time'_), but she had been bored out of her mind. And it really wasn't fair. Why couldn't she just have a normal sex life like everybody else? She wanted that. She wanted more of the little taste she had had so very long ago. But no one could quench her thirst. Yes, Hermione had learned the very valuable lesson that you cannot satisfy what is not yet aroused. And unfortunately, no one had been able to arouse her. Not since _him_.

_Oh gods, he's coming over._ Hermione ducked her head and tried to look very busy. She could see him approaching, undeterred, from the corner of her eye.

_Please no, please no._

He was within distance. No going back. No way to stop him. And… suddenly Gerald stepped in front of him. "Granger," he grunted, dropping a heavy file onto her desk.

"Gerald," she replied with a bigger smile than he probably expected. Gerald was Head of the Department of Magical Education, and Hermione's boss.

He grunted in response. "You've finally been cleared to visit Hogwarts."

Hermione sank back in her chair with a huff.

Her angel of redemption had just become the bearer of bad news. It was not that she didn't want to visit Hogwarts. Obviously the school was like a second home to her and she _had_ brought this job on herself, after all. Hadn't she been the one to push for this in the first place? Hermione decided she wouldn't take it back, even if she could. Every Headmaster was subject to such evaluation, and that included Mr. Lucius Malfoy's oldest friend. Bugger whatever the Board of Governors had to say.

It's just that… well, she wasn't exactly looking forward to seeing Severus Snape again.

"Thank you, Gerald," she sighed. "When does he expect me?"

"Five o'clock."

Hermione bolted upward from her chair. "Tonight!?"

"Yes."

"_Oh_ that _bloody ba- _How can he expect me to be prepared at such short notice?"

Gerald seemed perplexed. "Granger, you've had everything ready for months, and don't think I don't know it." He snorted in amusement. "He taught you, didn't he? Must be he knows you well enough to know that for himself."

Hermione huffed. "Yes, but… but…" she struggled for some other excuse, but nothing came. Frustrated, she collapsed back in her chair. "I suppose you're right." Suddenly, she was resolved. "Fine. I'm ready. I'll be there. If he thinks he can throw me off guard, he has another thing coming."

"Yeah, well that's for certain," Gerald chuckled, turning to leave. "I sure don't envy the man."

If the train ride to Hogsmeade filled Hermione with nervous jitters, they were all washed away with her first breaths of crisp, clean Scotland air. Everything was the same. It was as if she had left only a day or so ago. But then, hadn't that old shop once been a bakery? _Oh wow_, _Madame Puddifoot repainted!_ And what happened to the giant oak tree that used to be somewhere over there? Did Hogsmeade not stay the same, pressed like a dried flower between the pages of time? Was it not a relic of her past, there waiting whenever she wished to return? It seemed strange to visit this old place only to find that it was different now. _But surely, Hogwarts would remain unchanged._

Severus watched through his tower window as the girl approached across the grass. Her gait was leisurely and almost pensive, and her unbound mass of curly hair seemed alive with the breath of the wind. Had it not been obvious that she was enjoying her stroll through memory lane, Severus would have imagined she was dawdling on purpose just to annoy him. But if the old Slytherin understood one thing it was how welcoming Hogwarts was after a time in the world beyond.

Severus closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose to curb the headache that had been coming on all day. It wasn't that he had anything to hide or any reason to worry about the outcome of her evaluation. It was just that he hadn't seen her since _that_ night, and he didn't know how to act.

She had humiliated him, as well as herself, that was true. But worse than that, _he_ had allowed it to happen. Or, rather, he had been in the process of allowing it to happen when –

Severus groaned, spinning away from the window and the approaching figure of the last person he ever wanted to see again. _She must think I am such a fool._ Clearly the girl had been far too intoxicated to make a proper decision, and how daft he had been to imagine that she could _ever_ want _him!_ Not that he wanted her. He had been quite drunk himself, and that was certainly the reason he had allowed things to go as far as they had. After all, they had been caught up in the merriment, celebrating the anniversary of the fall of the Dark Lord (the first of such festivities that he had been persuaded to attend).

A healthy dose of champagne had certainly been in order. Of course, it was equally obvious that Hermione Granger's dose of the fine bubbly had been decidedly _un_healthy. In any case, what did it matter? It was better they had been stopped, one way or another, before they did something utterly regrettable. Utterly… obviously… horribly… regrettable. Severus sighed.

It was another quarter hour before he heard the grinding of the Gargoyle stairs, and he hated himself for the spark of nervousness in his gut. Why should he – Severus Snape, Headmaster of Hogwarts, ex-Death Eater spy, Order of Merlin: First Class – be nervous about seeing such a silly little chit of a girl.

Sweeping behind his desk, Severus reached for some papers and lifted his quill just in time for her to knock at the door. "Enter," he drawled offhandedly, scribbling rubbish on the back of a letter from Lucius. He took his time writing out a good, long sentence before deigning to glance up from his desk.

There she stood, looking less like a schoolgirl than he had ever seen. Tailored robes of deep blue clung like soft caresses to her sculpted feminine form, reminding him that she hadn't been a girl for quite some time. Severus swallowed. Did she have to look so damn appealing? It was a little-known fact that beautiful, intelligent witches were the only beings capable of rendering Severus Snape a nervous wreck. Good thing he was talented enough to hide it.

Well, here she was. Standing in his office. Staring back at his sardonic expression like an utter fool. _Come _on_, Hermione! Say something, you daft witch!_

Part of her was screaming to shout out an apology. After the… incident… she had started a dozen letters attempting to do just that. Eventually, however, she had decided on the more subtle (and therefore more Slytherin-friendly) approach of letting it drop altogether. Maybe if she just pretended that it hadn't happened, they could get through this whole ordeal without further destroying the tender truce between them.

There was just one problem.

How on earth was she supposed to pretend it hadn't happened when her whole body was reacting to his proximity? It was as if an electric charge had been sent through her for the first time in ages. She could feel her heart beating wildly in her chest; though from fear or excitement or some other emotion she could not tell.

Hermione cleared her throat. "Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Professor," she began in her most professional tone.

He cut her off. "I was hardly presented with another option, _Miss_ Granger. It seems you have a habit of… _forcing_ yourself on others."

Hermione's jaw dropped and she almost scoffed aloud. Surely he didn't mean… _Oh_, but that total _bastard!_ Taming her suddenly rising anger, Hermione decided to ignore the remark entirely. It was best they remained professional, after all. Clicking her heels together and lifting her chin, she replied in her most no-nonsense tone. "Government evaluations are a standard procedure. Every Headmaster is subjected to them."

"I am very well aware." Severus Snape leaned forward, steepling his fingers beneath his chin and peering over at her with darkly wicked eyes. "However, I must advise caution. The last… shall we say… _inquisitor_…" he smirked knowingly at her, drawing out the thought as only he could do, "was carried off by centaurs. Now, if you _don't_ mind, I am quite a busy man. Let's not dawdle over niceties. We have business to discuss." He gestured for her to sit in the chair before his desk and reclined lazily back in his own.

Hermione stood rooted to the spot for a long moment, torn between shouting at the stubborn git and throwing her hands in the air in surrender. But it only took a moment for her to relax the fists she had balled at her sides and let out the angry steam in a frustrated sigh. Stomping rather inelegantly, she took the proffered chair before his desk, meeting his humor-filled gaze with an icy glare. "I am not your _inquisitor_. I am your _evaluator_. There is a distinct difference." The dark professor only grunted disbelievingly as she whipped open the briefcase she had brought with her and withdrew a quill and parchment. She snapped her eyes to his reproachfully before settling into her usual note-taking posture. "Now, as I am going to be here for a little while, we need to make sure we get a few things straight."

His thin lips twisted with humour. "Are you laying down the rules, Miss Granger?"

"So to speak. We need to be sure that we are both on the same page." When his only response was to lift one of those menacing eyebrows of his, Hermione huffed impatiently and fell into her practiced explanation. "This will be the first evaluation for both of us, but there is plenty of documentation for previous evaluations of this kind, and I have studied them well enough to know –," she sputtered as he smoothly spoke over her.

"I have no doubt, Miss Granger, that you could recite the entire _history_ for me, if I so desired… _but_, be that as it may, there are other matters to attend to and I _would_ like to make it to dinner tonight. _So_," slamming his hands down on the desk, the dark professor stood in one graceful sweeping motion to tower over her, "I have prepared a place for you at the Head Table for tonight, though you hardly merit it, and Tinky will show you to your rooms. Tinky!"

A House Elf appeared mid-bow beside the Headmaster's desk before Hermione could even process what was happening. "No. Wait," she said, but Snape wasn't listening.

"Tinky, take Miss Granger to her room," he smirked as the House Elf reached a hand out to her.

Hermione leapt to her feet. "But I'm not done. We need to go over procedure and then I need a copy of the class schedules and syllabi and… lesson plans and…"

"Tinky, I believe Miss Granger needs assistance."

The House Elf stepped toward her, hand outstretched. "If Miss is taking Tinky's hand, Tinky is showing Miss to Miss's room."

Hermione backed away, nearly tripping over her chair. "No, but I'm not done. I have other things – I need to…"

"See you at dinner, Miss Granger."

Hermione looked up in time to see the self-satisfied sneer plastered across her old Potions' Master's face. How she ever could have thought that he was handsome… And then a small hand closed around her wrist and she was twisted right out of the office by the magic of Apparition, only to appear in a dark, dank, dungeon bedroom where she was apparently expected to stay.

Severus collapsed back into his chair and let out a weary sigh. This was going to be more difficult than he had thought. Maybe it had been a bad idea to give her a room in the dungeons, but he had been weighing the risk that he'd run into her against the probability that staying in the bleakest, dampest part of the castle would shorten the length of her visit. In any case, it shouldn't be too hard to avoid the woman. He was Headmaster, after all. The castle was his domain, and he knew more secret passages than anyone else currently residing within its walls.

"You can't avoid her forever," came the voice of Albus Dumbledore.

Severus glared at the arrogant portrait. "I can certainly try."

"Oh, Severus. Tsk tsk. Silly me, but it does seem that you are disproportionately upset about her sudden reappearance in your life. More so than you would be for any other Ministry evaluator."

"Yes, well, that _girl _has been a thorn in my side since she first showed up at this school. I thought it was bad enough that Potter's progeny was beginning to disturb my peace here. Now this very own Know-It-All sees fit to reenter my life."

"Yes, Severus, but one can't help but wonder if that is truly all…"

"Yes, Albus! Damn you, that is _all_ there is to it! Now, if you don't mind, I need to prepare for the feast." Severus did not wait for the portrait to respond, but swept through the office and out the door in one fluid movement. He was not going to sit there and have Albus Dumbledore counsel him about his emotions. Not today.

The door slammed shut behind the current Headmaster and Albus lifted a painted eyebrow. "Well, he certainly is in a mood, don't you think… Eupraxia?"

Eupraxia Mole turned to her fellow portrait with a wicked smirk. "He certainly is, Albus. And I am sure that he would not want the dungeon portraits to know that he is avoiding our special visitor."

"No. Quite right. He would not want that."

"They can be particularly devious when there are stakes in the game."

"And what higher stakes could there be than those in the balance between our beloved Severus and Miss Hermione Granger?"

"What higher stakes, indeed, Albus. What higher stakes, indeed."

Severus left his quarters early that evening, having run out of excuses to procrastinate. The Headmaster was expected to oversee the feast in the Great Hall, and he was almost looking forward to introducing their latest visitor. She probably expected a warm welcome, and he was going to do the best he could to keep it from her.

It was only a short way down the hall that he began to notice the odd whispering of the portraits as he passed. Immediately suspicious, Severus glared at their painted faces and quickened his pace.

"_Aberta_," a visiting gypsy hissed to a shepherdess in a voice loud enough for him to hear, "you'll never guess who's snogging by the statue of Thagin the Thoughtless."

_Oh!_ They weren't whispering about him after all! Severus smirked maliciously. If there was one thing he would never pass up, it was the opportunity to catch young dunderheads in the act and put them off it with humiliation… and usually detention. Taking the turn to his immediate right, the calculating Slytherin swept off to find the miscreants and take some points away.

Hermione slipped out of her room a little earlier than she absolutely had to. The bedroom was dreadful, to be honest, and she had the castle to explore. It felt wonderful to be at Hogwarts once again; like she'd stepped back in time. The feel of the castle seemed to sink into her bones with a sort of magical nostalgia that made her tingle with excitement. She almost felt like skipping down the hall.

This part of the dungeons was unfamiliar to the Gryffindor. During her time as a student here, she had only ever visited the dungeons for class, but they were much more extensive than she had realized at the time. These paintings were completely new to her. And there was a statue. She stopped to study it. Atop a marble pedestal there stood a dreamy-eyed wizard with his pointed hat askew. The books in his hands appeared to be slipping through his fingers as he stared off into space. "_Thagin the Thoughtless,_" the inscription read. Funny. She'd never even heard of him.

There was a sudden movement in the corner of her eye and Hermione whirled around to find herself face to face with Severus Snape. He froze and so did she. With those black robes lit by the dim candlelight of the dungeon corridor, he could be her Potions Professor all over again. Hermione shook her head. She was on even footing with him now. He couldn't take points, and she wasn't going to be intimidated by that icy glare.

Without another word, the tall Slytherin swept past her and continued down the corridor. For a moment, she was too surprised to react. "Wait!" she called, hurrying after him. "We need to discuss protocol! I have questions for you!"

"Of course you do, Miss Granger," he called, not slowing his panther's gait. The patronizing irony in his voice was not lost on her.

"Slow down!" she called, chasing him past a row of suits of armour, her heels clicking smartly against the stone floor.

"Perhaps you should have worn more appropriate footwear."

"Your legs are longer than mine!"

"I am hardly at fault for your inadequacies!"

"_Inadequa_… Oh! You git! You didn't think they were so inadequate when we…"

It happened so fast, she couldn't finish her sentence. Severus Snape flung his whole body around in a flash of rage just as her toe caught something quite solid and sent her flying in his direction. With one collective "_Oomph!" _they collided, and the contact was like an electric shock. Soft breasts smashed against a solid chest as his arms came up reflexively to catch her. There, held up despite the way her ankles bent beneath her, Hermione could only stare up at her saviour in surprise. Severus's eyes were wide with shock, as well, as the pair seemed to be transported to a memory of the last time they had met. The heat of the other's body poured straight through their clothes, seeping into their skin as embarrassment bloomed within them. Then, there was a gasp of shock and Severus threw her away from himself as two young Slytherins came upon the scene.

"Clumsy witch!" the Headmaster cursed, brushing off his robes as if they had been contaminated.

"It was that suit of armor!" she protested, noticing for the first time that she was suddenly out of breath, and not from running. "It tripped me!"

"Ridiculous! Why would it want to do that?"

"How should I know? But it _did._"

Severus scoffed and turned away. "Probably one of those ruddy contraptions you call shoes. If this shows up in your report…"

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shouted, chasing after him again. "I'm here to evaluate _you_, not the castle!"

Their pointed shouts echoed through the dungeons as the two of them swept away, leaving a pair of Slytherin students staring after them in awe. Someone was actually yelling at Severus Snape. A very attractive and young, _female_ someone.

What was the world coming to?

"He was blushing, I swear!"

"Go on. _Snape?_"

"Come off it, Scorpius. You feelin' alright, mate? Must've hit your head on somethin'." Castor made a show of knocking on Scorpius's head while his twin brother, Pollux, laughed around a mouthful of potatoes.

"But who _is_ she? New professor, do you think?" Otho hadn't stopped staring at the mysterious woman since they'd entered the Hall for dinner.

Scorpius shook his head. "In the middle of the term? Don't be ridiculous."

Adelaide Zabini chose that moment to casually interrupt. "That's Hermione Granger, that is. Don't any of you read the Prophet?"

The boys swung around to her. Even Otho turned away from the High Table to hear what Pretty Adelaide had to say. "Hermione Granger? As in, _War Hero_ Hermione Granger? Harry Potter's _best friend _Hermione Granger?"

"The very same."

Scorpius frowned. "Yeah, well, you should've seen her yell at Snape. I don't think I've ever seen him so flustered." He quirked a smile at that. "Mind you, she kind of ran right into him. At least, I think that's what happened," at that thought, he was lost in contemplation once again.

"Yeah," Otho snorted, "why else would she have been touching him?" Their giggles ceased abruptly as they all seemed to come to the same conclusion all at once.

Scorpius was the first to break the silence. "Gods," he gasped, "can you imagine… I mean… Snape… you know… I mean… I dunno… _liking_ someone."

It took a moment for that thought to sink in before the boys screwed up their faces and responded concurrently with one resounding "_Ewwwww_."

Adelaide was unfazed by this revelation. "It's _Professor_ Snape, Scorpius," she said, "and actually, he's supposed to be quite the eligible bachelor."

At that, the twins made gagging gestures and pretended to fall over one another, Otho went back staring at Hermione Granger, and Scorpius wrinkled his nose and was about to respond that he had grown up calling their Headmaster 'Severus,' when the voice of the man in question resounded across the hall.

"Some of you," he began, "will have noticed… that we have a visitor. It seems the Ministry has taken it upon themselves… once again… to monitor the goings-on here at Hogwarts. This _should_… be of short duration, only. As I have been informed, evaluations of this nature are standard procedure for each administration. I trust that each of you will be on your best behaviour and will strive to show our visitor that the standards of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry have only… _improved_." He turned his face to the woman in question and sent her an enigmatic sneer.

"Please welcome Hermione Granger," came almost as an afterthought. The cheers, however, were disproportionately welcoming as the beautiful witch stood up and smiled cheerfully out at the student population, waving to her audience-and to some Gryffindors in particular, Scorpius couldn't help but notice-with friendly grace and magnetic charisma. "Yes, yes," Snape continued, waving away her applause. "Miss Granger will be sitting in on your classes over the course of her _short_ stay. If you see her in your class, do not be alarmed. She will likely do nothing more… than ask questions." At that, he sent another secret sneer in her direction before resuming his seat without another word. The students returned to their chatting, whispering excitedly about the visiting celebrity and how _beautiful_ she was in person and how _nice_ she seemed already. Their Headmaster returned to his sulking.

At the edge of the Hall at the Slytherin table, Scorpius Malfoy frowned in thought at his Headmaster, trying to remember what the stories said about Hermione Granger. She had had something to do with Snape, hadn't she? Something at the end of the War. She was honored for it and everything. Had she been the one to save his life, after the Dark Lord's magical cursed snake nearly killed him? Something like that. _Oh well,_ Scorpius shrugged to himself. He'd have to ask his father.


	2. Chapter 2

Hermione Granger kicked at the stone barrier with pent-up anger, then glared at the Gargoyle that protected the entrance to the Headmasters' office.

"I know you're hiding up there," she hissed, anticipating the git would also have some monitoring system in place to see who wished to gain entry. She'd not been privy to the password earlier; she'd simply announced her name and up she'd gone. She tried it again, without success. What an infuriating man! With a few muttered oaths, and one more hard kick at the wall, she winced and limped away.

Severus Snape rolled his eyes as the crystal ball on one side of his desk illuminated to reveal the silent image of Granger's approach, clearly angry at not being allowed admittance. Severus chuckled and sat back in his chair with his feet up on the corner of the desk, watching the thankfully silent show. He could have tapped the crystal again to permit audio but he had already taken one potion for a headache today and did not wish another. He laughed aloud as Granger limped away. She certainly was something when her back was up. He reminded himself to behave.

Hermione took in a deep breath before she knocked upon the door of the teachers staffroom. It was swiftly opened to reveal a tall elderly witch, who glared at the young woman before her for a moment. Then her mouth broke out into a wide smile.

"Hermione, my dear, come in!" Minerva McGonagall stood off to one side and bid her enter. "Look, who is here," she announced, calling over her shoulder to her colleagues

With hands shaken and introductions given, Hermione was guided to a comfortable seat close to the fire and offered a cup of tea. She looked around the cluttered room filled with a variety of mixed -matched tables and chairs. Some looked as though they had been in situ for centuries. She was pleased to at least get a comfortable high backed leather Parker Knoll chair, just like her Grandmother's.

"Here," McGonagall handed her a mug of tea and moved to take a seat directly across from her former student. "I am sure Severus will not mind us offering you his chair to sit upon."

Hermione choked on her tea as she heard that tidbit of information, and decided swallowing tea and trying to get up at the same time was not the best thing to have done.

Minerva took care of Hermione's soaked robes and patted her back till she stopped coughing. The mug was soon mended and refilled as Hermione was guided to another chair. Hermione refused to put her arse upon the same seat that 'his' bum had sat upon for god-knows how many years. She was glad her face was red from coughing as her blush of remembering his firm arse under her own hand would be kept hidden, and her blush remained unquestioned.

After exchanging news with some of her ex professors she decided to take her leave. She had an early start in the morning. Minerva walked her to the door.

"Professor," Hermione started only to be halted by Minerva.

"My dear, I am no longer your professor or Head of House. You must call me Minerva and I shall call you Hermione, is that clear?"

"Yes, Minerva." The witches smiled at each other then Hermione remembered the favour she needed to ask from the assistant headmistress.

Severus Snape was settling down into his bed as an owl arrived from Minerva. "What does she want at this late hour," he muttered to himself as he threw a treat to the owl after retrieving a package tied to its leg. He opened it to discover a short note from Minerva, and a bundle of sealed parchments inside.

_Severus,_

_The enclosed parchments belong to you._

_Goodnight._

_Minerva_

Severus let the note flutter to his blankets as he tore open the seal to one of the parchments. He growled in a low tone, then he thrust the parchment from him allowing it to fall to the carpet. Then he opened another, and yet another... until all were opened and strewn around him. His growls had grown to out and out anger as he howled with fury. The final multi-coloured parchment scrunched up in his fist.

"Bloody-fucking-know-it-all!"

In her dungeon bedroom Hermione muttered under her breath what she would like to do to Snape as she pounded her pillow once more into some form of submission. Earlier, she had tried to transfigure the room's furnishings but to her disgust nothing happened. Her bed was lumpy as were the pillows. The blankets were old and although she had used a few cleansing charms on them they still smelled like old socks.

The following morning, Eupraxia Mole scurried into her portrait in the Headmaster's office and winked over at Albus Dumbledore. His eyebrow rose as if in question and she nodded.

Severus Snape looked up from the papers on his desk and grumbled. He had not slept well and his hair was still sticking up in places as he had not yet brushed it or had a proper shave due to that minx of a ministry female. Her, and the infernal schedules and numerous amounts of Ministry data back to about a hundred years of education at Hogwarts. Granger never knew when to stop undertaking extra work while a student and it looked like the tendency carried over into adulthood. Ten scrolls of parchment many feet long when one scroll would have done. He hoped to have her test the ruddy school and him if need be, and then get her out of his hair as soon as possible.

He shoved his personal owl out of the window in his haste to dispatch his reply to the girl – no, woman. He groaned as he remembered how her body had felt against him yesterday and that just added to the remembered vision of her body and those long legs complete with stockings that stopped short on her thighs; had him hard the instant he felt them.

"Blast it!" He stood rubbing at his face, trying to wake up; he stomped back into his bedroom to prepare for the day and tried not to think of Hermione's body. Having a hard on this early in the morning would do him no good at all.

"Well, Eupraxia, have you any news for me?" Asked Dumbledore in a whisper, just in case Snape returned quicker than anticipated.

"Yes, we have set up a few of the younger portraits to do the running around. Easier for them than us old codgers."

"Speak of yourself," huffed Dumbledore with a smile. "And the Assistant Headmistress?"

"I believe Miss Granger has already used her to intercede with the headmaster on her behalf and we have just witnessed the end result of that attempt." Eupraxia smirked, as she nodded towards the room where the current Headmaster was located. "I informed Minerva on how much we will need to rely on her and the other staff to help us to get those two to work together."

"I believe the Castle has a mind of her own in this regard," said Dumbledore as he sat smoothing his painted beard in contemplation. "I believe she has plans to thwart Miss Granger from leaving until she and Severus have become friends at the very least, and I fear that may take some time."

Eupraxia frowned, puckering up her mouth with distaste. "I wonder...," she trailed off while looking blankly towards the ceiling.

"Yes?" Dumbledore asked looking hopeful.

"I wonder... " Then she broke into a broad smile that Dumbledore recognised as being dangerous. She rarely smiled and if she did, then you best be wary.

She whispered her plan and Dumbledore groaned and rubbed at his head knocking his hat askew. "If you think it for the best, my dear."

"Oh I do," She tittered then vanished from her portrait. Dumbledore shook his head and hoped that Eupraxia's plan to involve the castle's poltergeist would not backfire on them all.

At breakfast Scorpius shook his head at his friend Otho, who was staring continuously towards the High Table.

Castor nudged at his twin brother, Pollux, and whispered into his ear. "Looks like Otho has it bad," he sniggered, nodding towards the boy and then the long table housing their professors and visitors. More importantly, this morning the High Table would play host to Hermione Granger... eventually.

"Otho?" Scorpius called into his friend's ear, then nudged at his arm with his elbow, but it did not register with the young man at all. The forkful of food on Otho's fork was half forgot as he kept his eyes on the entrance as he spotted the robes of a professor come into view. The fork was lowered and a sigh of disappointment came from his half open mouth when the Assistant Headmistress entered. She was obviously not the person he had hoped to see.

Down in the dungeons a door slammed hard. Hermione Granger, annoyed, cold, and tired, had just left her bedroom. She had just experienced the worst accommodations of her life. Even the tent she had shared with Ron and Harry when she had been seventeen was luxury compared to that disgusting room.

Her robes were not as pristine as the day before, and neither was she looking her best. Her hair had refused to behave and had frizzed up into a bush, due to the freezing water in her shower. To make matters worse, her Muggle watch had stopped and her alarm had not alerted her at 7am so she was running very late.

An owl hooted at her, as if it had been awaiting her appearance - her room had no windows - then deposited a letter into her hands before swiftly departed. Bleary-eyed from lack of sleep, she'd not noticed the colour of the envelope. She tore it open and instantly regretted the action.

"_Miss Granger_," Boomed out the unmistakable voice of Headmaster Severus Snape. He had sent her a howler._ That buggering bastard!_  
"_I as Headmaster, unlike you, will dictate the timetable of the interviews of staff and class reviews. I, unlike you, have a strict diary that cannot be changed. I, unlike you, am able to put together a suitable schedule that you will adhere to. I, unlike you, can fit it onto one piece of parchment that is one foot long. I, unlike you, will make it to breakfast on time_."

The red envelope that had opened up to impersonate the mouth of Severus Snape looked mean and sneered at her. It dropped a short scroll at her feet before it tore itself up into little pieces, the remainders bursting into flames.

Hermione gasped as she realised her feet were wet. She had been concentrating so hard on what she was going to say and do to the Headmaster, she had not paid attention to her surroundings or where she was walking. Water was cascading down the main stairway. It looked like a Muggle waterfall garden feature. She stood transfixed for a few moments before reacting to the sound of distant singing, and recognised the culprit immediately.

"Peeves!" She growled. Hermione was now in a position of authority to be able to cease his antics, so she headed through the water and up the stairs to investigate.

A strange echoing singing could be heard coming from the boys bathroom on the first floor. Peeves, the Poltergeist was singing a merry song as he sent water cascading in large waves, uncaring that he would flood out the bathroom.

_"My contract has been changed_  
_The rules are rearranged_  
_The inspector will lose her way_  
_She will have to stay._

_My contract has been changed_  
_The rules are rearranged_  
_I can play and upset the bat_  
_Fancy that, what a prat._

_My contract has been changed_  
_The rules are rearranged_  
_Peeves has been commanded _  
_Hogwarts demands it."_

"Out of my way!" Severus ordered as he sped past the students as they headed for their first class of the day. The angry look on the headmaster's face was enough to send them scurrying for cover. Someone was in big trouble and none of the students dared to even inquire where he was headed in such a hurry.

He was a few yards away from the main staircase when he heard a piercing scream; the hair on his neck and arms stood up on end. The scream terrified him, and he knew immediately who it was - Miss Granger. He bounded up through the torrent of water, adrenaline rushing through his system. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears.

He stood panting at the top of the stairs, as water swirled around his legs. He looked around, listened, then heard a strange sound from high above. He looked upwards to the walls, and then up again to the ceiling. He swore.

Peeves was conducting a waterspout and spinning around inside its centre was the upturned body of Hermione Granger. He stood his mouth agape, as her robes flapped back and forth, having flipped upside down covering her face and arms from view, revealing long legs with one shoe still on her foot. But what held Severus' gaze was the bright red lacy knickers that were displayed for all to see.

"Buggering shite." He whispered into himself as he realised he had to do something fast. The witch looked to be unconscious, but perhaps that was for the best, by the way she was being swayed about.

Before Severus could act a shriek of alarm came from behind him.

"Oh no! That cannae be poor Miss Granger?" Minerva McGonnigall cried out in alarm. She gripped Severus' arm cutting off the blood supply to his hand. "Do something man, the child's ... she's showing-!"

Severus froze Peeves in place. He would attend to him later. Miss Granger was his main concern right now.

The Headmaster and his Assistant Headmistress were unaware they had a witness to this whole debacle. Otho peered from around a corner as he had followed the assistant headmistress after overhearing her conversation with a portrait after breakfast. He stared his eyes bugged out as he watched them work their magic, freezing Peeves then bringing Miss Granger back down out of the water spout safely. He blushed deep red at the sight of his headmaster catching Miss Granger, while still upside down. His hands were wrapped around her legs as he brought her safely down to the ground. Where he with the help of Professor McGonagall got her robes set to rights.

Otho scurried off at a run as Snape picked up the limp woman in his arms and started to come his way. He was unsure if he would be able to relate this tale to his best friends. It was just as well his professor was assisting the Headmaster, or he would have been given detention. He managed to slip into class with the excuse he had been detained in the toilet.


End file.
